


Original works

by Loor



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Love, Non-fandom work, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3167807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loor/pseuds/Loor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of all my old original, non-fandom works. All transfers from Mibba.</p><p>As I am transferring all my work from Mibba, I wasn't sure what to do with all my original works. Since they are all one shots, I figured it would be easiest to post them all in one bunch. So low and behold, my original fiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Oughta Know

**Author's Note:**

> Triggers: depression, suicide!!!

She was staring at the screen of her laptop when he walked into their bedroom. He smiled at the sight in front of him. She was wearing a sweatpants and one of his t-shirts and yet she looked beautiful.

His smile disappeared the moment she looked up to meet his eyes. He noticed the concern in her eyes, probably coming from whatever she was looking at on her laptop.

“I think you should read this,” she simply said as she pushed her laptop in his direction over the bed.

He sat down on the bed and pulled the laptop closer. His movements were cautious, worried for what he would find on the screen. His beautiful features settled into a frown when he saw what she had been reading.

-XxX-

_November 15, 2009  
It’s the end of the world as we now it_

_Keltie Colleen once wrote: “I wonder if there will ever be a night where I do not dream about you. I guess my subconscious still wished things were different.”_

_I wish I could say I didn’t feel the same way. But I can’t. Deep down I still miss him. And it hurts._

I wrote this three months after I left him. That was six months ago. After nine months, I hoped I would feel better. Or feel free, feel alive… I don’t know really. I do know that I feel none of those things. If anything, I can say I felt hopeful for a moment or two. And now even that feeling is gone. And I feel nothing at all anymore.

Sam was excited to see her daddy again. Her mommy wasn’t so sure. But we went to see him anyway. Almost nine months after I last saw him, we hopped on a plane to LA. When we got to LAX he was waiting for us. He sure had missed Sam. While he was practically hugging her to death, I took a good look at him. He looked even better than I remembered. My heart skipped a beat when he released Sam and smiled at me.

He took me for coffee in a small cafe not far from the airport. Things felt awkward at first. We both struggled over our words in our haste to fill up the uncomfortable silences. It took me a while to find the courage to ask what I really wanted to know. I carefully mentioned that I had read about Chad’s overdose in the newspapers. He smiled when he realized what I was heading at. And my heart skipped another beat.

He told me how William had been banging on his apartment door as soon as he heard the news. How Michael, John and Zack had been stupid enough to fly across country to check on him, instead of just calling to see if he was one of the John Does found at Chad’s. And how he hadn’t spoken to or seen Chad in over a month when it happened. That the last time he wanted to go to one of those parties, shé had asked him to stay with her and so he had turned down the invitation. My heart broke in two when he explained that he didn’t need the drugs anymore because he had her now.

It shattered further when I listened to him talk about hér. He rambled about how they met. (He had wanted to buy some record and had seen her walk away with the last copy. He had asked if he could have it and she had simply said no. He had thrown a tantrum and even played the ‘don’t you know I’m famous’ card. In the end, she had still walked out of the store with the CD.) He explained she had put him with both feet on the ground again. He told me how she made him give up on wrong friends and cocaine. The sparkle in his eyes while he talked about her made me want to cry.

I hated her. Until I met her. We stopped at UCLA to pick her up on our way to my hotel. She was ecstatic to finally meet Sam. She too almost crushed her in a hug. Then she started talking to me. About how much she admired me. She had read all of my blogs, commented on them every now and then but always found she wasn’t eloquent enough. She told me some things about herself, about her studies and what not. She never bragged about saving him nor mentioned my past relationship with him.

I couldn’t hate her, even though I tried. I tried as hard as I could, but she just isn’t hateable. She keeps him leveled. She got him to focus on music again. She made him realize that he had alienated all of his friends and helped him to glue the broken pieces back together. She does everything for him that I never could.

I remember the smug look that was always on his face in the last months of our relationship. How he always walked around with his nose stuck up in the air, ignoring the few people that still gave a damn about him. Now he is happy, constantly laughing with his friends. The smug look is replaced by a loving expression and his eyes twinkle every time he steals a glance at her.

I like to believe that he once loved me, but I also know that she’s the one for him. Forever and always, I could tell from every little gesture. From the moment he started talking about her in that small cafe the day I arrived up until the moment where he told her Journey was singing just for her when ‘Faithfully’ played on the radio as they dropped me off at the airport two days ago.

When I hugged Sam for the last time, she quietly howled and tried to lick my face. It was as if she felt that this was ‘farewell’ instead of ‘goodbye, see you soon’. After I put Sam back down on the ground I quickly said my goodbyes to them. I walked into the airport without looking back.

I left the pieces of my broken heart behind on the sidewalk.

-XxX-

His gaze left the screen and went back to her. She was still sitting on the other side of the bed, waiting patiently for him to finish reading. She wasn’t looking at him. Instead she was staring at the picture of the both of them, taken some day at his last tour, standing on the dresser. Her hands were tightly around his phone; ready to hand it to him as soon as he had finished reading. Sometimes he really wondered why he deserved someone like her. She seemed to good to be true.

Her eyes met his as she looked up from the phone.

“She sounds depressed,” he said. He tried to sound casual, but failed.

She smiled at his attempt to make it seem like he didn’t really care. Of course he did. Without a word she handed him the phone.

He took the phone from her hand and dialed the number. His breath got caught in his throat when he heard it ring. He slightly panicked when she didn’t pick up immediately.

-XxX-

Somewhere on the other side of the country a phone rang in the living room of a small apartment. Once, twice, three times before the answering machine picked up.

“Hey, it’s me. Are you home? Please pick up the phone if you are there!” Hís voice. It sounded worried, panicked. “Will you please call me as soon as you hear this? Reading your blog has gotten me worried… has gotten us worried. So please, call back when you hear this?!”

In the silence that followed her eyes kept staring at the phone from across the room. She slowly repeated the words in her head. Has gotten ús worried…

A single tear escaped her eyes and rolled down her cheek. It hit the ground at the same time as the bottle of sleeping pills that had fallen out of her hand. The remaining pills were scattered across the floor.

Her eyes never left the phone as she reached for the bottle of Jack Daniels standing besides her. She felt tired, drowsy, and it took some effort to bring the bottle to her lips. The smell of the brown liquid made her cringe in disgust and yet she gulped down everything what was left.

Even when the bottle fell from her hand and shattered to pieces she could not avert her gaze from the phone. It was as if the flickering red light from the answering machine was hypnotizing her.

“I really hope you are happy with her. I wish you well,” she whispered before finally closing her eyes.

His face was the last image that flashed through her mind before she slid into unconsciousness. She never realized her lips were tugged into a small smile as the slowing of her heartbeat finally made the pain disappear.


	2. True Love Isn't A Fairy Tale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True love isn’t a fairy tale  
> Love isn’t make believe  
> True love like ours  
> Is worth so much more than diamond rings  
> \- Panic at the Disco -

“God damn it!” I curse loudly before throwing away my notebook.

I don’t bother to look where the small red book lands, instead choosing to bury my head in my hands. I have bigger things to worry about right now.

Like a fast approaching deadline for example. I only have eight more hours before my next piece of writing has to be handed in and so far I’ve got absolutely nothing.

I still don’t get why my boss wants me to write a column about true love. Of all the columnists working for the newspaper he chooses me, a 25 year old girl that has never been able to stay in a relationship for longer than a few weeks. Why he thinks I have any clue about everlasting love is beyond me.

“You might want to take better care of this.” A voice suddenly brings my out of my thoughts. I look up from my hands to see an extended hand offering me my notebook. I send the stranger a smile when taking my notebook from his hand and dusting it off.

It probably would be more polite to offer him at least a thank you, but I am too surprised that other people are in the park at this early hour. Usually the park is deserted in the morning, except for the occasional jogger. The peace and quiet are the reason I like to come here to write. Not that it is doing me any good now.

It is only when the stranger sits down next to me and I give him a second glance, that I realize two things. One, he is holding hands with a beautiful woman and two, he isn’t as much a strangers as I thought he was.

He has been making music for years. I recognize his face from my mom’s record collection. He must be about her age, but he looks at least ten years older. The substance abuse the gossip magazines used to write about clearly has taken its toll on him. The cocaine, LSD and alcohol have all left their mark, as has the hectic rock star life. It makes me wonder how he’s still alive.

When I indirectly admit to recognizing him, by asking how he’s been, it seems as if he can read my thoughts. It has been a while since their last album, but he assures me, he’s doing fine these days.

I nod, not sure how to carry on the conversation, not sure if I want to. Without wanting to my thoughts drift to my quickly approaching deadline again. I briefly wonder how my boss would react if I don’t turn in any writing. It only causes me to let out a heavy sigh.

It is at that moment that he speaks to me again. “Seems like you are not having such a good morning.” It’s a statement, not a question, but again I nod.

He doesn’t say a word when I tell him about my problem, he just listens. Halfway through my explanation, I wonder if he is even the slightest bit interested in my problem. It must seem pathetic to him.

When I look at him again I am surprised to see a smile playing around his lips. The smile is genuine and it makes him look at least five years younger than before.

“So just because you haven’t experienced true love yet, you assume it doesn’t exist?” He doesn’t bother waiting for an answer. “Can I tell you a story about this guy I know?”

I merely shrug in response. I’m not sure if or how this is going to help my writers block, but I’m pretty sure it won’t do any harm either.

He smiles again, before turning sideways to glance at the woman he is still holding hands with. I realize I had completely forgotten she was sitting next to him. They seem to have some sort of short, wordless conversation. Then she smiles and gives him a small nod. He is still smiling when he turns to me again and starts talking.

“Somehow she knew it was him. She hadn’t even heard the door open over the sound of the radio. She didn’t bother looking up when he sat down across from her. An yet she knew it was him.

Her mind screamed, begged her to run. Run and never look back. But her heart wanted to stay, curious about what he had to say. As always she picked heart over mind. She stayed and waited for him to speak.

She felt him stare at her for a while. Probably trying to read into her feelings, calculate her mood. “Aren’t you dreamer’s girl?” he eventually asked.

The confident tone in his voice caused a flash of anger to pass through her vision. “I used to be,” she answered through gritted teeth. She was afraid she would snap at him if she opened her mouth any wider.

They both fell silent again after that. For a moment she wondered if he was just going to leave. She hoped he would just get up, walk out and never bother her again. But of course she had no such luck.

“Look at me.” His voice was a demand, and yet barely audible above the noise surrounding them.

She couldn’t bring herself to react.

“Look at me,” he asked again. “It’s been two weeks since I came here the first time. I know you saw me walk in, but after that you never looked at me again… I need you to look at me.” His tone was softer now, a plea. He sounded needy, desperate.

She felt the anger being drained from her body. Neither of them spoke for a moment. He stared at her while she stared at the peppermint macchiato in front of her.

When she eventually responded, she continued to stare at the paper cup in her hands. “I’m sorry,” she said, even though there was no reason for her to apologize. “I’m sorry, but I can’t bear to look at you. You remind me of this boy I used to know. He was this amazing guy, but one day I realized he was gone. He had been slowly disappearing and suddenly he was completely gone. And it hurts so much to think about him!”

“What are you talking about? I… Don’t you… You walked out on me!”

She felt her hands clutch tighter around her cup. Anger flared again at his words.

“I’m sitting right in front of you now!” He sounded genuinely confused and suddenly she wasn’t sure if she was angry or just pitied him.

After taking a deep breath, she finally found the courage to look at him. Taking in his appearance, she decided she definitely pitied him. The boy in front of her was a shadow of who he used to be. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, dark circles underneath them. He looked sick and sleep-deprived. She didn’t miss the white flecks in his nostrils or the way he was continuously sniffing. He was skinnier than ever.

She quickly averted her gaze, afraid to let the emotions, that were rushing through her body, spill out. She looked at the bar, at the posters on the walls, at the people walking through the door. She looked at everything except him.

Eventually her eyes landed on the cup in her hands. She whispered, “You’re not dreamer anymore.” She cringed at the sound of defeat that had unconsciously slipped into her voice.

Both of them fell silent again. Having memorized the sight of her drink by now, she closed her eyes. She listened to his sniffing, but got distracted by the nervous, rhythmic sound of his fingers tapping on the table top. Without realizing it, her foot easily fell into the same rhythm against the foot of the table. She jumped in surprise when she heard his chair scrape across the tiled floor.

He got up without another word and started walking to the door. Halfway there he suddenly stopped. He waited for a moment before turning around, only to find her staring at him.

She could hear the other people in the cafe whisper to each other, she could feel their stares. But she could only look at him and watch one lonely tear slide down his cheek. A few moments passed while neither of them made the effort to move. Then, as suddenly as he had stopped, he turned around again. He quickly wiped away the tear as he exited the cafe, leaving her to stare at the door long after it closed.”

It surprises me that he stops talking. The meeting he talks about can’t have lasted longer that fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. I am still waiting for the happy ending. Every passing second makes me wonder more and more what this story has to do with true, everlasting love.

The woman next to him chuckles softly when I voice my thoughts. “Patience is a virtue, my dear.” The amusement rings through her voice when she speaks.

Her reaction causes my attention to drift to her and for the first time since they sat down I really look at her. She seems a lot younger than him, a lot younger than she probably is. She is beautiful, possesses the kind of natural beauty I have always been jealous of. The sparkle in her eyes, the happiness radiating from them, it only adds to her beauty.

I don’t miss their matching wedding rings. I wonder if she knows about the mistakes in his past, ask myself why on earth a woman like her married a man like him.

However, instead of speaking these thoughts, I ask, “So what happened? Does she run after him, save his life and they live happily ever after?”

It earns me another chuckle. “This isn’t a movie. Things aren’t that simple in real life,” she tells me.

“Then what happens next?”

Another wordless conversation between them. He smiles and softly pinches her hand. Then she gives her attention to me again and continues the story where he left off.

“The next time he stepped foot into the cafe, he was surprised how much things had changed in six months time. The paint on the walls seemed brighter, more light came through the windows and even the people seemed happier than last time.

It was only when he stepped up to the counter, ordered a coffee and caught the barista’s surprised, almost shocked gaze that he realized only one thing had changed. He had.

He had gone through quite a transformation in the past couple of months. He gained some weight and caught up on some much needed sleep. He got clean, both literally and figuratively speaking. He had managed to look healthy again. All of it for one simple reason; he didn’t want her to be in pain.

He politely thanked the barista when she handed him the paper cup. Politeness, another trait he had regained recently. With the hot cup in hand he made his way to her table in the corner.

She didn’t give any sign of acknowledging his presence. Not until he sat down across of her. He immediately noticed her body tense up and freeze.

He waited a moment for her to react. When she didn’t move he felt his heart sink. His thoughts flashed back to the last time they had sat across each other. For a moment he contemplated just getting up, letting her be. But another look at her reminded him of everything he had gone through the past half year. Things hadn’t been easy and he still wasn’t sure if the effort was going to be worth it. Because there was still one thing missing in his life. So he pushed his doubts aside and took a deep breath before speaking. "Look at me. I need you to look at me.”

For a fleeting second he wondered if she would even listen to his request. And then she started to look up. The movement was slow, hesitant, but it was there.

She didn’t say anything, just stared at him for a while. He watched her scan his face, his appearance. It seemed as if she was trying to figure out if he was really sitting there or if she was going insane.

She eventually seemed to decide it was really him. The boy from her memory, the boy she had loved really had come back to her.

He watched a spark of happiness fly across her eyes. He barely had time to register it before it was gone again, but it had been there.

When she spoke, it came out barely above a whisper. Almost as if she was afraid he would disappear again if she talked too loud. “What are you doing here?” she wanted to know.

His heart swelled with hope at her words, the fact that she wasn’t chasing him away like the last time. His lips curled upwards as he spoke, “You always say you believe in second chances.”

He regretted his tone the very moment the words had left his mouth. Instead of grateful he just sounded cocky. He feared he had blown his chances and his eyes bulged in surprise when she laughed. She actually laughed and her eyes sparkled again.

She let out one more chuckle when she took notice of his confusion. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually missed that cockiness,” she explained. “I’ve really missed you,” she stated, as if it was just that simple.

They both knew it wasn’t. Things never were simple between them. There was going to have to be a lot of talking, regaining of trust. It would take time for things to get back to the way they were before the drugs, before the sleepless nights. But for the first time in very long, both of them felt that they might just be able to get through all this and things might become right again.”

This time it doesn’t take me by surprise when she stops talking. I do, however, still wonder why they associate this story with true love.

“No offense, but this doesn’t exactly sound like a fairy tale to me.”

They both smile at me. It’s the kind of smile you give a toddler when explaining something for the fourth, fifth time.

“Snow White, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast…” She counts the fairy tales on her fingers. “Isn’t there a dark chapter in every fairy tale?”

I don’t have to think very long to realize she is right. But I’m not giving up that easily. “Okay, you are right,” I admit. “But we never got any proof that they really got their happily ever after. What if Snow White decided she didn’t want to be a housewife for all eternity, if her prince and her got into a fight about it and he asked for a divorce?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but I don’t give her the chance to speak. “And what about the couple in your story? How can you be sure that she’ll be able to still love him?” I ask.

“Because even after everything that happened, she still married me.”

For a few moments I can only stare at them. His words take a while before they sink in. Before I register that they have been talking about themselves all this time.

And then I understand. I look at the sparkle in their eyes when they look at each other. I notice his thumb has been stroking the back of her hand during our entire conversation. I see the way their hands fit together perfectly. I realize that they know each other well enough to know exactly what the other had been thinking during those meetings they talked about. And I finally understand.

They get up not much later, muttering something about meeting with friends. I briefly wonder if they are talking about his bandmates, but I don’t bother asking. Suddenly trivial things like that don’t seem important anymore. Instead I thank them for the conversation and wave them goodbye.

I hardly wait until they are out of sight before opening my notebook. I quickly start to pen down what my boss will later call my best column ever.

_‘When my boss asked me to write this column, a column about true, everlasting love, I freaked out. For days I struggled and failed to get anything on paper. Because I was convinced that true love didn’t exist._

_Today, however, I was proven wrong. I met an older rock star and his beautiful wife. And in a mere fifteen minutes, they taught me an important lesson._

_Today I learned that love has nothing to do with looks, fame or money, but everything to do with time, trust and interest…’_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songfic based on Remember The First Day by Destiny's Child

_Remember the first day when I saw your face._

“Class, please welcome Matthew Jones,” Mrs Scott said as she walked into the class.

I remember thinking, ‘great, another idiot added to the club.’ Then I sighed and looked up from the notebook I had been scribbling in.

You surprised me. Old Ramones shirt, jeans ripped at the knee and your black fringe hanging in front of your right eye. I noticed some brightly colored band logos patched on the side of your backpack and your iPod seemed ready to fall out. You were going to stick out like a sore thumb in our school.

As the rest of the class mumbled their hellos, Jennifer jumped up and walked towards you. As head cheerleader, she apparently thought it was her task to welcome you. When she started rambling to you and motioned you to sit next to Rick, her boyfriend and head of the soccer team, you looked like a scared puppy dog. Thinking about it, I realized I was probably seeing you in the same way as Jennifer did. To me you looked like a scared puppy, to her you looked like a puppy dog she could train to be one of her loyal, dumb followers.

“Like he’s gonna fall for that!” I mumbled to myself, causing the girl sitting next to me to give me a strange look. I ignored her and instead went back to scribbling in my notebook. I never noticed how you stared at me before slowly sinking into the seat next to Rick, staying as far away from him as possible.

_Remember the first day when you smiled at me. You stepped to me and then you said to me I was the woman you dreamed about._

It didn’t take Jennifer long to see you weren’t an untrained puppy. The moment she and her friends realized how different you were, the bullying started.

“… Stupid loser!” As I walked to my locker one afternoon not too long after you had arrived, I heard Rick yell through the halls.

I turned around slowly to see him and his soccer friends standing around you, laughing and making fun of you. He suddenly pushed you and you fell to the ground. His friends laughed even harder and you just stayed down on the ground. Although your face was barely visible, with how your arms were curled around your head protectively, I could see that scared puppy look on your face again.

“That’s how we treat your kind around here, fag!” Rick chuckled.

“Shut up Rick!” I suddenly heard myself say. I didn’t even know why I was defending you.

Equally surprised Rick looked up and stared at me. “What did you just say?”

I surprised myself again and yelled, “Just because you and Jennifer act like a couple of rabbits and fuck all the time, it doesn’t mean that we all have to be that way!” I pushed my way through his group of friends to help you up from the ground.

Rick glared at me, not sure how to react and what to respond. His friends didn’t react either. They just stared at Rick dumbfounded, waiting for instructions. After a while, Rick just grumbled something.

“Let’s go guys, they are not worth it! Fuck you, Tanner!” he spat as he walked away, closely followed by his team mates.

“Only if you buy me dinner first!” I sarcastically yelled after him before turning around and walking to my locker. I shoved my books into my locker and grabbed my iPod before closing the locker and turning around again.

When I turned, you were still standing there, staring at me. Honestly, at that moment, as we were standing alone in the hallway, you creeped me out a little bit. I put up my guard quickly.

“What?” I snapped at you.

You didn’t seem taken aback by my outburst. You just smiled. You gave me a genuine smile, something that was very rare in our school.

“Thank you!” was all you said, barely audible, before you turned around and walked towards the school exit.

_Remember the first day you called my house._

You never mentioned that incident again, but when you walked into class the next day, you sat down next to me instead of sitting in your usual spot on the other side of the room. We started talking and for the first time in forever, I had a good time during English class.

After that, we started to hang out more and more. I introduced you to my friends and you quickly became part of our group. After a few weeks, you decided to start a band with Michael, Ryan and Chris. You got along great with everyone, but you and me have always had something special. Even when we didn’t have any plans with the others, we would still hang out together. You soon knew more about me than all the others combined and we had a special group in our clique, called ‘best friends’.

One day, I was lying on my bed listening to Radiohead when I heard the phone ring downstairs. I heard someone walking and some talking noises before my mom yelled: “Ashlee, there’s someone on the phone who wants to talk to you!”

I looked at my alarm clock. The red numbers told me it was 7:30 in the evening. Wondering who would call me on the house phone on this hour, I got up and walked downstairs.

“Who is it?” I asked with a curious undertone in my voice.

“It’s a boy,” my mom said, clearly amused. “I think he said his name is Matthew,” she added before handing me the phone and walking back into the living room. My eyebrows went up when I heard your name.

“Hello Matthew, this is Ashlee speaking. How can I help you?” I asked in a business tone of voice, as if you were some kind of sales person.

I heard you chuckle, but you played along. “Hello Ashlee. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to charge your phone, so I am able to reach you when I need you,” you answered in the same tone of voice.

I hit myself softly in the head while muttering, “Of course!” before answering, “I’ll see what I can do. But please don’t tell me that is all you are calling for.”

I heard a chuckle again before you answered. “No, it isn’t. I’m actually calling to see if… Well, I was wondering if you… Like maybe… I don’t know…” you stuttered. You seemed nervous, something I wasn’t used to.

“Matt, I’m sure it’s not as embarrassing as you make it sound, so spit it out.” I tried not to laugh at your stuttering, but I’m sure you heard me giggle a little.

“Okay, here we go. I was wondering if you would like to go to prom with me?” you blurted out. Before I could answer anything you went on, “I know we’re just friends and you probably already have a date, but if not I would like to take you.”

You sounded totally adorable at that moment. I had the biggest smile on my face while responding. “You really gave thought to this, didn’t you? I mean, come on, you really think you wouldn’t be the first to know if I had a date?”

I hear from the tone of your voice that we were both smiling like lunatics. “I take it that is a yes?”

“No Matt, that’s not a yes. That’s an I would love to!”

_Remember the first day when you took me out. We had butterflies although we tried to hide and we both had a beautiful night._

Prom was amazing. We danced and laughed and we had a great time. At midnight, we decided to leave and we went to the Pancake Place with our other friends.

At the Pancake Place we couldn’t stop goofing around. At one point your right cheek was covered in chocolate and your hair had sugar in it. I was licking some chocolate from your cheek when the owner came to our booth and asked us to leave. We tossed some money on the table and I grabbed a napkin before walking out.

In the parking lot I gave you the napkin to wipe away the chocolate, but I ended up wiping your cheek myself, since you kept missing spots. The others were laughing and sharing looks like they knew something we didn’t.

After saying goodbye to them, you drove me home. On the way home, I put on U2. I’m pretty sure the volume woke up the entire neighborhood, but neither of us cared and we sang along as loud as we could. Just as you pulled into my driveway, New Year’s Day was playing. I had stopped singing, but I enjoyed listening to you. You stopped the car but kept singing. During the last verse I noticed that you were staring at me and for some reason I felt a blush go onto my cheeks.

When the song finished, you pulled me close in a hug and whispered in my ear, “I had an amazing night. Thank you Ash!”

I felt shivers going down my spine at the feeling of your breath on my skin and I’m pretty sure my heart skipped a beat as your lips brushed over my cheek briefly.

I was confused, but shrugged off the feeling as I got out of the car. “I had a great night as well Matt. I’ll see you tomorrow!” I smiled before closing the door and walking to the house.

_Remember the first day, the first day we kissed._

One day not long after prom, we were sitting around a small fire in Ryan’s backyard. You guys had finished band practice and it was one of those warm, lazy spring evenings. Most of our friends had been around to see you practice, but they all left. It was just us and the rest of the band now. We were just hanging around talking about everything and nothing all at once. Michael and Chris were roosting some marshmallows in the fire. My head was lying in your lap and you were gently stroking my hair. I was staring into the fire as I tried to listen to your conversation with Ryan. But I was comfortable and warm in your lap and I felt myself drift away slowly.

When I woke again it was a lot darker then I remembered. I was wondering how long I had been asleep when I realized the guys were teasing you. I didn’t completely comprehend what it was all about. Not until Michael quoted Fall Out Boy, laughter evident in his voice, “What are you waiting for? Kiss her, kiss her!”

You looked down at me in your lap and seemed to startle when you noticed I was awake again. Even in the dark I noticed the dark blush on your cheeks.

I started to open my mouth to tell you that you didn’t had to, but I was too late. Before the words came out I felt your lips touch mine. The kiss lasted barely long enough for the guys to let out a wolf whistle, but the tingling feeling on my lips stayed for the rest of the night.

A blush made it’s way to my own cheeks and I thanked god that it was dark and you couldn’t see it. Not that it really mattered though, cause you seemed to avoid looking at me for pretty much the rest of the night.

_Remember the first day we stopped playing games._

Soon after graduation, you suddenly made it big. You got signed, the band’s first single made it to the top of the charts and you left for tour. You made me promise to visit as soon as possible. I didn’t hesitate to make good on my promise.

I tried to stay in the background whenever I visited, but with you guys growing more famous every day, it didn’t take the magazines long to notice me. It took one interviewer and two sentences to make the world aware of my presence.

'Meanwhile American Beauty plays upfront on a TV perched above the driver’s seat. Jones takes a break from canoodling with Ashlee (a “good friend”, he tells me later, but not a girlfriend) who is travelling with the band for the summer, to watch the movie’s title sequence.' That’s all it took for the rumors to start and the questions to rise. I felt bad for getting you in this position, but you kept telling me not to worry about it and in the mean time you repeated that I was just a good friend, but not a girlfriend in every interview you did. In every interview until that show you did in Las Vegas, of all places.

That night in Vegas, you played one of your best shows ever. The crowd ate out of your hand and you loved it. And then you decided it was time to make them go absolutely crazy. You stepped up to your mic after finishing Strawberry Night and waited for the cheers to calm down a little.

“The next thing we are going to play will be a short medley of Blink 182 songs. I’m a little nervous about it, because Blink was one of the bands that inspired us to get into music and I want to do them justice. But more importantly, this medley is very special to me because I would like to dedicate it to one of the most amazing people I ever met.”

I was watching you guys from side stage and when you turned to me you smiled before continuing your little speech. As if the crowd felt what was coming next, they started screaming and clapping. “Apparently I have been pretty oblivious for the last few months,” – “Years!” Chris inserted with a wink - “cause every fucking magazine realized what was going on before I did. But I guess I have finally seen the light. So Ash, this song is for you!”

The guys started playing and the moment your voice rang through the venue I felt chills go through my spine. Feeling This, All The Small Things, The Rock Show and I Miss You. You sang bits and pieces of all those songs and during that time your eyes never left my face. But the moment the song was done you turned back to face the crowd. It was as if you were scared to see my reaction. There was no need for you to be nervous though, because I couldn’t stop smiling. I finally got what I had wanted for so long.

By the time you finished the show I was waiting for you backstage. When you walked of the stage you couldn’t look at me. You stared down at your feet when you passed me and I had to put my arms around you to stop you. I felt you stiffen under my touch, but I pulled you in a close embrace and whispered in your ear. “I haven’t been this scared in a long time. And I’m so unprepared so here’s your valentine. Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody. This world’s an ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me.”

Your smile when you turned around to face me made you look incredibly handsome. But before I could even say anything about it, your lips crashed down on mine. We share one of those kisses you are supposed to only read about in fairy tales.

When we broke apart you placed your forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. “Be mine?” you whispered.

“I already was!” I smiled back before kissing you again.

_Remember the first day you fell in love with me. It felt so good for you to say those words cause I felt the same way too._

We had two blissful weeks after that day. But as they say, all good things must come to an end.  
A day in late August, before any of the other band members were awake, we were standing outside the bus, in the early morning mist. We were locked in a long embrace, as a driver waited to take me to the airport. Your tour wasn’t over yet, but I had to go back home to pack my things up for college.

“I can’t believe I have to go home already. I don’t want to go home.” I sighed as I laid my head against your chest.

I felt one hand brush gently through my hair. “I know, baby. I don’t want you to go either. But you need to go to college. You always supported me in what I wanted to do, but now you need to chase that dream of yours,” you whispered.

I looked up at your face and smiled. “Just because I’m chasing my dream doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.”

You smiled back at me and pulled me even closer. It surprised me every time how our bodies seemed to be a perfect fit. “I love you!” you whispered in my ear.

I was taken of guard by your words. I took a small step back, not entirely breaking our embrace but creating a little distance nonetheless. “What?” I asked carefully. Deep down I was wishing you said what I thought I heard.

You didn’t immediately respond, but looked at me for a moment. I felt a blush appear on my cheeks and turned my gaze away to look at the waiting cab. I felt your hand lift my chin up, but I didn’t want to look at you, scared that I had been dreaming.

“Look at me,” you said in a gentle, almost soothing voice. I finally turned my gaze back to you. You locked eyes with me and whispered those three words again. “I love you.”

A smile spread across my face and I felt relieve that it wasn’t just a dream. “I love you too!” I whispered, before pulling you into a passionate kiss.


	4. Dear You (Love Always, Me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was riding shot gun with my hair undone  
> In the front seat of his car.  
> I grabbed a pen and an old napkin  
> And I wrote down our song

Dear You,

I love you. No wait, let me rephrase that. I’m in love with you.

It may seem a little silly, telling you this, because we have yet to meet. I don’t have the slightest idea what you look like or sound like. Or what kind of person you are. But I know we’ll be a perfect match for each other. You’ll be the Mr Darcy to my Elizabeth, the Edward to my Bella. I have already driven for hours and when arriving at my doorstep had no recollection of how I got from point A to point B. I could only remember that I spent the ride having imaginary conversations with you. It was the best company I have had in years. I can’t see a future that does not include you. I need you in my life.

After we meet you’ll tell all your friends you fell in love with the girl at the rock show. By that time you will have swept me off my feet, I will have been hanging off the tip of every word you say. You may be the one on stage or just that boy with his guitar, you’ll be a great musician either way. Because I’ve always had a thing for musicians. I’ll be that squeamish, giggling, strange girl who cannot seem to form sentences when around you. And yet you’ll end up explaining how you think I am that über hot, smart, cultured dream girl I am trying so hard to act like. I’ll fall in love with the sound of your laughter.

When we start dating the number of concerts that we go’ll to will be countless. I promise to keep all the ticket stubs, alongside the pictures and amazing memories. When you’ll kiss me for the first time I’ll feel like my heart might stop. There will be candle light dinners and cuddling on the couch during movie nights. We’ll leave each other little notes everywhere. Post-its on the fridge, the back of a random grocery bill on the desk next to the door, lipstick on the bathroom mirror. There’ll be random sentences, lines of poetry, profound quotes or love notes, sometimes only a single heart. We’ll have long walks on the beach and watch the sunset together. We’ll spend hours talking about everything and nothing at all. I can already picture us slowdancing, to one of our favorite songs in your tiny apartment or in the middle of the streets on a melody that only we can hear. And when we kiss my stomach will still go crazy like that first time.

Our friends will be jealous of how perfect we seem to be for each other. Not because we’ll be that mushy, cuddling couple that make everybody feel more than a bit nauseous. But because we’ll be able to finish each other’s sentences. You’ll seem to have the ability to speak with saying a single word, we’ll glance across the room and know what the other one is thinking. And because you’ll like to steal kisses from me every now and then, no matter where we are or who we’re with. You’ll never be afraid to show your affection in public.

Of course things will not always be sunshine and rainbows. I’m sure we’ll have our fair share of disagreements and fights. But those will never last long. Because I’ll miss you already before you have time to walk angrily out of the door. And when I sleep on the couch, you won’t stop me when I creep back into bed at 3AM. And you’ll always end up holding me, no matter how mad you were. Even when I’m grumpy you’ll still like me.

After a few years of dating we’ll both be ready to settle down. Somehow you’ll manage to arrange for us to have dinner on the main stage of whatever music festival we are at that moment. After dinner, when I’ll sit with my feet dangling of the edge of the stage, watching the beautiful starry midnight sky, you’ll pull out your guitar and sing me a song you wrote just for me, sweeping me off my feet once again. Then, when I’m already on the verge of crying because of how perfect the moment is, you’ll get down on one knee and ask me to marry you. I’ll say yes, yes of course and fall into your arms.

I have planned our wedding. I have pictured our children and named our dog. I have purchased years and years of birthday presents for you in my mind. You see, I have this whole thing planned out. All I need from you is to show up and sweep me off my feet.

I’ll wait forever if I have to. For love, forever is fine. But still, I hope to see you soon.

Love always, Me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 200 word drug drabble

The biggest mistake of his life: 5 seconds.  
“It’ll kill you! Please stop!” she begged. Her eyes were big in despair, his pupils dilated from his trip. “Please, choose me. Love me!” she whispered. He smiled before swallowing the acid. He watched her walk away, didn’t bother going after her. Instead he let vibrant pictures float over him.

Diagnosed as dying: 3 minutes.  
Liver cancer, spread to his lungs. There was nothing they could do. When he asked about the cause they asked about drug use. He didn’t bother answering. “I see…” he simply said. He was barely in his car when he swallowed four acid-drenched stamps at once. The music swirling past his eyes took away the pain.

Realizing she had been right all along: 1 downfall.  
They were gaining on him, sirens getting louder. He didn’t hesitate at the bridge. The river might be his only way out. Only when he had already jumped he realized it was all in his head, another hallucination. And somehow he ended up thinking about her when he hit the pavement. He hoped she was happy. “I love you. I’ve love you all along,” he whispered before his heart stopped.


	6. Dear Maria, Just Say Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Songfic based on three songs: Dear Maria, Count Me In (All Time Low), Jersey (Mayday Parade), Remembering Sunday (All Time Low)

A shiver went through her petite frame when she stepped into the drizzling rain. In her haste to get out of the apartment she hadn’t bothered to check the weather of to grab an umbrella. She let the rain fall down on her, tugging her coat closer to her frail body when another shiver made her shake. She silently wondered if it had gotten colder in Jersey.

Even in the dark of the night she could see people staring at her. She didn’t know if it was because of the natural grace she was always told she moved with, or because of the tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t bother asking, just buried her hands deep in the pockets of her coat.

When her fingers grazed over the small silver iPod he had given her a few months ago her stomach turned uncomfortably. She turned it on nonetheless, put the earplugs in and tried to disappear into her coat a little further.

“Maria! Maria, please wait!” In between the second and the third song she heard him. She was surprised he was running after her, considering what she had just done, how she had left him behind on one knee.

Somehow she hadn’t seen it coming and the question had shocked her. She didn’t feel ready to settle down and she had thought he knew. As she was walking down the street, she wasn’t even sure whether she loved him or she was just passing her time.

She did know he loved her. He wouldn’t be chasing her if he didn’t. But the sound of his feet stomping down on the pavement behind her didn’t stop her. She ignored his calls, if anything she started walking faster. She quickly jerked away when she felt his hand on her shoulder. And suddenly she was running, as fast as her legs would carry her.

She only slowed down long after his voice and footsteps had died away. When she looked up at the building in front of her she couldn’t help but let the corners of her lips curl upward. She was standing in front of her safe heaven.

The dance studio had provided her shelter since a very young age. When her parents would fight before their divorce. When her first boyfriend dumped her. When her grandmother died. Every time she would sneak out of the house and run to the studio to dance her worries away. The memories were engraved deep into her mind, causing her subconscious to guide her to this place.

She didn’t hesitate before grabbing the door handle and walking in. The warmth embraced her as she stepped out of the cold Sunday night air. The familiar scent of sweat and hard work tickled her nostrils. Her muscles immediately started aching for the lovely burn they got from dancing and it didn’t take her more than a few moments to get lost in the music.

It was almost midnight when she entered the apartment again. She had stopped crying somewhere in the past hours. She felt calm and collected now, ready to have a long and much needed talk with him. A shiver went down her spine, even though the fireplace was still quietly burning. It should have made her realize that something was wrong. But it didn’t. Instead, she absentmindedly reached for the light switch while closing the door behind her.

The first thing she noticed when the light flashed on was the empty picture frame hanging on the wall across the hallway. There used to be a picture of him and her, young and in love, but it was gone now. The sight caused a lump to form in her throat and water started welling up in her eyes again.

She blinked quickly a few times to stop the tears that threatened to fall, while cautiously making her way through the apartment. She listened closely for a sound, an indication that he was there. All she got was dead silence.

She eventually made it to the bedroom. Inside, she barely noticed the suitcase missing from the corner and the clothes that were gone from the closet. It was the black box on her pillow that got her attention. The same little box that he had been holding out to her only a few hours ago.

Reluctantly she walked to the bed and picked up the box. She didn’t understand why he had left it behind. Her hands were shaking and she struggled a bit to get it open. A shaky breath escaped her when she saw the ring was gone, replaced by a small fragment of paper.

The first thing she noticed when she unfolded the paper was the shaky handwriting. She realized it must have been hard for him to jot down the three short sentences. Even before she had read the words she was holding, she knew they would confirm what she had known the moment her eyes had fallen on the empty frame in the hallway. He always had a hard time letting go of people.

She knew he was gone, but she read his words anyway. Out loud, as if she needed the extra confirmation. “I’ll be fine I swear. I’m just gone beyond repair. Cause Jersey just got colder.” The ink on the paper was smudged long before silence had settled again.

The words were clouded and her vision misty when her knees buckled. Tears were quickly streaming down her cheeks now. She hugged her knees close to her chest. She realized all too well her running away had turned out to be the biggest mistake, and biggest regret, of her young life.

-X-

Maria let out a small sigh after she finished her eyeliner. She slowly let her eyes drift around the back room of the Crazy Horse. Everywhere she looked there were girls applying makeup and putting on glittery, often too small, outfits.

It was just another Sunday night on the Jersey shore. Soon she would be on stage and under the spotlights again. Dancing in front of an audience. But not the kind of audience she had imagined. Men would be drooling over her skimpy outfit and literally throwing money at her feet.

The girl that was staring at her looked pretty at first sight. But when she leaned closer to the mirror to get a better look, she saw the eyes were sad and the smile was fake. She wondered how things had gotten this far. Not so long ago the girl that was staring at her from the mirror had her life figured out. She was going to move to New York to dance on Broadway. To teach dance classes and maybe choreograph a music video or two. She pictured herself in a nice two story house in the suburbs. She saw a big yard with a cute little dog and …

“Oh my god, is that Ryan Hart?” A squealing voice pulled Maria out of her thoughts.

She knew a new girl must have arrived long before turning her back to the mirror. The regular group of girls didn’t squeal anymore. Not when seeing the picture of her and Ryan taped on her mirror. It was a rather old picture. She hadn’t talked to Ryan since that heartbreaking evening. In fact she hadn’t really talked to anybody. She only came out of the apartment to go to the dance studio. But even dancing couldn’t ease her pain this time.

It was at the studio that she had run into an old friend. Sophia was able to convince her to pick up her life again. She gave her a job at her club.

Sophia was also the only one that knew the whole story, what had happened with Ryan. The other girls that worked at the club had seen the picture. They knew Maria had a past with Ryan, but nobody knew any details. They had learned not to ask, something the new girl clearly hadn’t.

Maria gave the girl a small, sad smile. “It’s a long story,” she said with a sigh.

Then suddenly, before she could continue, a voice coming from the corner of the room caught her attention. Her head snapped in the direction of the small TV. And before she realized she had moved, she was sitting on her knees in front of the screen.

She could only stare at Ryan’s face for a moment before she was able to concentrate on his words. “Yes, we all used to live in Jersey,” he told the interviewer. “It’s been a while since I’ve last been here though.”

The interviewer nodded politely before her next question. “Your next album will be in stores tomorrow and the first single has been getting a lot of airplay. I was wondering if the rumors that are told about that song are true?”

The camera zoomed in on Ryan shifting in his seat, clearly a bit uncomfortably. Alex, the guitarist of the band, tried to chime in to answer the question, but Ryan stopped him with a simple motion of his arm.

He clearly hesitated a moment. “It’s about a girl I used to … know,” he admitted eventually. The same girl that inspired me to write Remembering Sunday.”

“That’s the second song you are to going to play for us, right?” The interviewer questioned. Ryan simply nodded. “Well, then I suggest you go over to the stage,” she said before turning to the camera. “You heard it, Jersey. They will be playing two songs. Later on the will bring you Remembering Sunday, but right now they’ll play their latest single, Dear Maria, Count Me In. Enjoy!”

Maria let out a strangled noise at the mention of her name. She felt her stomach turn as the band started to play. She could barely stand to listen to Ryan’s words, but she did anyway. And she felt the pain, the heartache seeping through and she knew it was all because of her. She felt horrible. She missed Ryan. She had missed him every day since he had left. She missed his voice, his touch. She missed his beautiful laugh and the smell of his cologne. The moonlit walks along the Jersey shore.

And suddenly, with that last thought, she realized what the interviewer had said. Ryan was here, in Jersey. And with that realization nothing else seemed to matter anymore. The new girl, her job, the past, it all didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that did matter was the fact that Ryan was nearby. And that this might be her only chance to tell him about her regrets. This could be her only chance to get a new beginning.

Her knees were slightly shaking when she got up. When she turned around, she realized everybody was staring at her. There was, however, only one person in the room that mattered right now.

Her words came out strong and confident. “I quit,” she told Sophia as soon as she had located her across the room.

Sophia gave her a small nod. The gesture was simple and went almost unnoticed by the other girls. But to Maria it meant so much more. She knew approval, friendship, encouragement and a wish of good luck were crammed into the small head movement.

She didn’t bother changing her outfit. She didn’t stop to say goodbye to the other girls. None of that mattered right now. She quickly grabbed her jacket and stepped out into the Sunday night air. She was on the way to what might become the start of the rest of her life.

It didn’t take her more than 20 minutes to get to the studios, but that was more than enough time for nerves to start rushing through her body. As she made her way to the back of the building she even questioned her decision for a moment, but that thought was quickly buried in the back of her mind. There was no going back now.

When she made it to the wired fences surrounding the back of the buildings, the band of course was nowhere to be seen. She did recognize their old van, that apparently was still used for their instruments. Roadies were busy packing the van, getting it ready for a trip to the next place the band would perform.

Just as she wondered how on earth she would be able to get to Ryan, Alex walked out of the building. He was hugging his guitar as if it was his baby, seemingly ready to protect it with his life. She considered his appearance as a good sign and it gave her enough courage to try and get his attention. “Hey Alex!” she shouted.

Alex looked up at the sound of his name. She noticed he quickly scanned her from head to toe before flashing a smile and waving in her direction.

She let out a relieved sigh at the motion of recognition. “Can you tell Ryan I want to talk to him?” she asked.

“Sure thing, honey,” Alex answered her. He turned his head while handing his guitar to one of the roadies. “Hey Ryan, there’s a hooker here that wants to talk to you!” he yelled in the direction of the back door. It was only then that she realized Alex hadn’t recognized her at all. He was just trying to be polite.

She felt her bravery sink into her shoes as Ryan’s face appeared in the doorway. He had a look of confusion on his face as he cast a quick glance in her direction. His eyes soon left her as he opened his mouth to speak to Alex. Then suddenly his body seemed to freeze. With his mouth still open, his eyes slowly darted back to her. When their eyes locked, she managed to give him a small smile. He didn’t give any sign of recognition, but when he turned to the security guard next to the door and motioned in her direction, she knew he remembered.

The guard nodded and made his way to the gate in the fence. He opened it and waited for her to walk through. She gave him a thank you before making her way to Ryan, her eyes on her shoes the entire time.

“I almost didn’t recognize you,” Ryan admitted when she eventually looked up at him.

“Seems like Alex didn’t recognize me at all,” she answered him, gesturing towards the guitarist who was staring at them, mouth agape.

“Can you blame him?” Ryan asked her. His eyes quickly traveled up and down her body and she understood what he meant. “Why are you even here?” he asked when she didn’t say anything. He sounded hurt.

She knew the time had come to tell him how she felt. It had never been easy to voice her feelings, but she needed to be honest to him now.

“I’m sorry,” she started out. “I’m sorry for hurting you, for running away that night. I shouldn’t have. But I was scared. You surprised me and I wasn’t able to think straight. I thought marriage would mean giving up on my dream of dancing. I don’t know why, but I didn’t realize that I was giving up on my biggest dream. It was already too late when I figured out all I wanted was to be happy, with you.” She was rambling by now, but she couldn’t stop. It felt good to let everything off her chest. “I’m sorry, for everything. I don’t really know what to say, except for I’m sorry! Funny how it rained all day. I didn’t think much of it then, but it’s starting to all make sense,” she quoted him at the end of her monologue.

And Ryan, he just stared at her. He was white as a ghost and completely speechless. He seemed to be collecting his thoughts.

The he was suddenly moving again. Before Maria could blink his arms were around her waist to pull her closer. A second later he was breathing against her lips, quickly sprouting words. “I love it when you act so cheesy. Cause I got your picture, I’m coming with you. Dear Maria, count me in,” he whispered.

And then he kissed her. Sweet and gentle. There was no electricity, no fire works or lightheadedness. But Maria knew she had made the right decision. This felt like coming home.

-X-

When Sophia arrived at her club a few days later the bouncer informed her that Maria had come by to pick up her stuff. And that the new girl still hadn’t gotten a spot of her own.

Sophia decided that the new girl could have Maria’s spot. She found the girl and guided her to her new place at the makeup mirror. It was only when they arrived that she noticed the small note taped on the mirror. It was at the exact spot where the picture of Ryan and Maria had been.

She curiously ripped the paper of the mirror. “Just say there’s nothing holding you back. It’s not a test, nor a trick of the mind, only love. This was all I wanted, all I want. I said yes! Thanks for everything! Much love, Maria,” she read to herself.

She noticed the new girl curiously listening. When she saw Sophia look, she quickly stopped trying to read the note over Sophia’s shoulder. Sophia smiled at the girl and motioned for her to take her spot. “You better be good and work hard,” she said. “You have some big shoes to fill.”


	7. You Were On My List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't give the ghost up, just clench your fist  
> You should have known by now you were wrong, on my list  
> When your heart is not able  
> And your prayers they're not fables  
> Let me show you  
> Let me show you how much I care  
> \- My list, The Killers

Alex whistled as he walked out of the Chinese restaurant. A bag with food in his right hand, his Blackberry in his left. His iPod blasted in his ears while his fingers flew across the keys. He enjoyed what he heard and he made a mental note to get in touch with the band while he scheduled a lunch meeting for next week.

By the time he had walked the short distance to his house, he had scheduled another meeting, looked up the band he had been listening to on MySpace and discarded two other demos. He was clutching his phone between his ear and shoulder and talking to David, one of his A&R’s and close friends, while unlocking his front door.

It wasn’t until he walked into the living room and his hand searched for the light switch next to the door that he realized the entire house was dark and silent. The realization made him stop dead in his tracks. Suddenly David’s voice moved to the far distance and all he could listen to was the silence surrounding him. It felt heavy, and he sensed something was not right.

“Dave, let me call you back later, okay?” he eventually muttered into his phone. He didn’t wait for an answer before snapping the Blackberry shut.

His face was settled in a frown as he listened for a sound in the silence. There was nothing there, even though his girlfriend should be home. His hand slipped into his pocket unconsciously. It closed around the small box that seemed to be burning a hole in his pocket since he picked it up earlier that afternoon.

“Sierra?” he called into the dark. More silence was the only answer he got.

He waited a few more moments before reaching out to the light switch again. He flinched a bit from the bright light before quickly scanning his surroundings. The living room seemed normal and nothing was out of place. A bit messy, but that’s how they both liked it. Nothing out of place, except for a small paper on the coffee table.

Slowly, a bit hesitantly, he walked closer and recognized Sierra’s swirling handwriting. There was a weight on his heart when he noticed the ink smudged here and there. He realized she must have been crying while she wrote this. He slowly bend over and reached for the little piece of paper. It turned his stomach when he read over the words.

Alex,

I hoped you would be home early today.  
So much for getting my hopes up. Again.  
I can’t do this anymore.  
I’m tired of always being the last item on your to-do list.  
I won’t be coming back when tour is over. I’m sorry.

Love always,  
Sierra

Alex felt his hand clench tighter around the box in his pocket as he sat down on the couch. He felt tears running down his cheeks. Soon he couldn’t tell anymore which smudges were cause by Sierra and which his own tears had created.

When Alex cast a glance at the clock above the TV, it read 8AM. He should be getting to work by now, but he had barely moved since he sat down last night. His eyes were red rimmed from crying until he had run out of tears. There were small bags under them from not sleeping all night. The bag of Chinese food was untouched on the table in front of him and his hand was still clenched around the box in his pocket.

It was only when he gaze unconsciously glanced over the photo standing besides the answering machine, that reality seemed to hit him. It was a simple picture, just Sierra and him in the backroom of some venue, their hands forming a heart shape. But it was the emotion that was obvious on both of their faces what had attracted his attention. Sierra was smiling to the camera, genuinely happy, and he realized it had been a while since he had seen her like that. His own face was turned away from the camera, gazing at Sierra, with a look of pure and utter love.

It was in that moment, only a very short moment, that he realized he was going to fight. Fight for his relationship. Fight to make Sierra see how much he loved her. And most of all fight to change himself. He needed to change himself. He was always working, barely saw Sierra anymore. He loved her, but they were living next to each other instead of together. Sierra deserved his full attention, instead of just being another item on his seemingly endless to-do list.

David called fifteen minutes later, asked why Alex wasn’t at the office yet. He didn’t bother asking about last night. It made Alex frown a bit. David was one of his best friends and yet he immediately asked business. As he clutched the phone between his ear and his shoulder and continued packing his suitcase, he wondered when exactly he had become such a workaholic. “I’m not coming in today. In fact, I won’t be coming to the office for a while,” he eventually told David when he zipped the suitcase closed.

He could hear David gasp on the other side of the phone as he opened his laptop. “What do you mean you aren’t coming?” David’s voice sounded surprised. Alex couldn’t blame him. He had never missed a day of work since they started the record company.

“It’s Sierra,” he confessed while waiting for Sierra’s MySpace page to load. “She’s gone. She was tired of always coming last. She isn’t planning on coming back after her tour. A tour I forget she was leaving for yesterday in the first place.” He quickly scanned the tour dates to see where the band was headed the next couple of days.

“Can’t you…” David started out. Alex cut him off before he could even finish the sentence. “No, I can’t. I need to do this. I’m done multitasking. It’s time to get my priorities straight.”

He could feel David nod on the other side of the phone. “Of course. We’ll keep this company going while you’re gone, don’t worry. Go get her man!” David assured him. He didn’t try to convince Alex otherwise, he didn’t ask questions. This was why David was one of his best friends. He trusted Alex to do the right thing.

“Thanks! I’ll drop off my laptop before I leave,” Alex promised. “I’ll be there in ten.” He didn’t wait for a reply from David before shutting his phone.

He turned around one more time before walking out the door, suitcase in one hand, keys in the other. His eyes quickly graced the picture aside the answering machine once more. After he closed the door and put away his keys, his empty hand went straight into his pocket. It clutched around the small velvet box that was still there. Sierra’s engagement ring. His top priority from now on. The start of the rest of his life.


	8. In Your Eyes I See Eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In your eyes I see eternity  
> And a girl that looks a lot like me  
> Eternity, a little trip  
> You're the beat my heart will skip  
> K's Choice - When I Lay Beside You

**Prelude**  
“Hey, what’s this?”

I turned around to see Jared wave a small pink paper at me. My head furrowed in confusion. “Where did you get that?” I asked as I walked over to him.

“It was in the back of this drawer,” he said, pointing to the bottom drawer of my bedside table. A small smile was playing on his lips as he handed me the paper.

I slowly unfolded the note and took a closer look. 'Things to do before I die' was written on top of the paper. I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. I had completely forgotten about this!

Jared was looking at me with a questioning look on his face. “It’s my bucket list,” I explained. “I wrote this when I was thirteen. I didn’t even remember it.”

“You never crossed anything out,” Jared pointed out after scanning the list quickly.

“I was thirteen! It’s not like I was interested in things for more than a week,” I defended myself. “I’m sure I’ve done at least some of the things by now.”

“Well, you’re 23 now. Ten years is a nice time to make up an interim score.” Jared grabbed a pen out of one of the boxes that were standing on the floor. He zigzagged through the room, avoiding the boxes on the floor with remarkable grace, and sat down on my mattress, lying on the floor where my bed used to be. He gestured me to follow and patted the spot next to him.

I walked over to the mattress more slowly and a whole lot less elegant. I cursed silently when I stumbled over the last box and fell into Jared’s lap. I wondered if moving always had to bring such a mess.

Jared pretended not to notice the blush on my cheeks as I quickly scrambled up and sat down beside him. “So, item number one: move into my own place,” he read out.

I laughed. “Not done that yet, but I’m sure it’s going to happen soon,” I said, gesturing to the mess in front of us. Jared let out a chuckle, nodded in agreement and crossed the item off.

“Point two: Go to Disney land?” Jared let out another chuckle after he read the words. “Seriously?”

“I was thirteen!” I defended myself again. “Besides, Disney land is awesome! How can you not like Disney land?” I joked. I sounded as if I thought he was the most retarded person walking the face of the earth.

Jared laughed out loud. “Yeah, I guess the haunted house is pretty okay,” he admitted with a wink.

We both fell silent for a moment, thinking back to our first spring break in college. We had packed our bags, but instead of heading South to Florida, we had headed West, visiting Disney Land. The memory put a fond smile on my face. I noticed Jared smile as well, before he crossed out the words and went on with the next item on the list.

“Number fourteen: Reinvent love,” Jared read.

“What?” I shot him a confused look. I didn’t remember writing that down.

Jared smiled when he gently grabbed my left wrist. “Reinvent love,” he repeated while his fingers danced over the words on my skin. “It actually says get a tattoo,” he explained as his touch sent a pleasant shiver down my spine.

“Oh,” I said in understanding. “Been there, done that. Twice!” The words were tick with proud.

Jared nodded with a smile and put the pen to the paper. His fluent motion stocked halfway through the sentence when he suddenly seemed to realize what I had said. As he looked at me, confusion was written across his face. “Twice?” He slowly repeated.

I smiled as stripped up my right sleeve. Fearless, the letters on the inside of my wrist read. Jared slowly reached out to touch the paint. The skin around the script was still a little red and his fingers felt cool and gentle against my skin. We both were silent as he took in the word written across my wrist.

“It suits you,” Jared eventually said, before turning back to the paper in his hand and crossing out the rest of the sentence.

“And the number 25, the last one: go out with someone.”

Jared’s pen was already on its way to the pink paper in his hand. Halfway there he noticed my silence. From the corner of my eye I watched his movement stop and his head turn in my direction.

I shifted a little in my seat at the silence in the air. It felt uncomfortable, heavy in the air. My hands fidgeted in my lap as I avoided Jared’s gaze. I could almost hear his brain go through the years that we’ve known each other.

When Jared spoke again, I couldn’t help but jump in my seat. “I’ll pick you up at eight,” he whispered. His warm breath tickled my ear and his sudden closeness made me shiver.

His words made me finally look up at him. I searched his eyes for a sign of compassion, an indication that he pitied me. I didn’t find any. There was something else in his eyes, an emotion I couldn’t place. I was unable to read Jared, but I didn’t have any difficulty placing my own emotions. Surprise, nervousness and a pinch of hope.

I managed to produce a small smile and nodded. “That sounds nice,” I admitted.

 **Date**  
“No… no… no… NO!” I let out an exasperated sigh as I threw another shirt on my bed. For the last half hour I had been putting on outfits and condemning all of them. It seemed like I had nothing in my closet that was good enough to wear on a date with Jared. The fact that I didn’t know where he would be taking me didn’t make things easier.

I let out another sigh at the moment that my phone beeped, signaling a new text message. I wondered who needed me as I opened my phone.

I smiled when my eyes scanned the screen in front of me. 'Wear that little black dress you bought last week.' Sometimes it feels that Jared knows me better than I know myself.

I carelessly tossed my phone on top of the closest box and walked over to my closet. There were still a few pieces of clothing I had to pack and the dress Jared suggested was one of them. I carefully took it from the hanger and stared at it a moment before putting it on. The dress was a simple classic black dress, between casual and classy. It made me wonder even more where Jared would take me.

We ended up in a small Italian restaurant not far from Jared’s apartment. “This place is beautiful!” I said while taking in my surroundings. The small tables, the candles, the jazz music in the background made me feel like I stepped into a movie scene.

When I looked back at Jared, he was smiling at me. “Only the best for you,” he said. His words almost sounded as a promise and I couldn’t help but smile back at him before looking at the menu in my hands. The knot in my stomach untied a little bit.

We talked about everything and nothing while we ate, just like we always did. Just as I started wondering why I had been nervous in the first place, Jared touched the subject that I had planned on avoiding for the rest of the night.

“So why have you never gone out with someone before tonight?” Jared asked me. The question came out in a casual tone, between a bite of his steak and a sip of his wine. I shrugged, avoiding the question, although I knew the answer very well.

“Oh come on! I mean, do you honestly want me to believe nobody has asked you out before?” Jared insisted. I rolled my eyes at him, knowing he knew the answer to that question very well. I had blown off a guy only last week when we were out clubbing.

“Of course not!” I realized I sounded louder and more annoyed then I intended to. The people at the table next to us shot a quick glance in our direction. I took a deep breath to calm down a bit. “It never felt right. I don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t right for me.”

‘Someone who isn’t you…’ I thought to myself. Because although I wouldn’t admit it to Jared, that had been the problem all along. In high school I didn’t get much attention from guys. I was the shy, quiet girl that nobody noticed. When I went to college I met Jared and things changed. Being with him felt right from the first moment and I immediately opened up to him. We soon became close, but never more than best friends. I thought Jared was okay with the way things were between us and I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. So I tried dating other guys. Other guys I always compared to Jared. And who I always discard as not good enough, not Jared, before they even had a chance to ask me on a date.

I realized very well that my words had me skating on thin ice. If Jared realized what I meant, he could easily push me right through and let me sink. I could only hope he would be pulling me out if I fell instead.

Jared seemed oblivious to my thoughts. He listened to my words and just nodded. However, there was that emotion in his eyes again, the one that I couldn’t place. When he looked at his plate again, there was a hint of a smile playing around his lips and I felt my heart skip a beat.

A few hours later Jared stopped his car in front of my parents’ house.

“Wait!” I was reaching for the door handle when Jared stopped me. He was speaking already while I turned around. “Why don’t you stay at my place tonight? I mean, I have a double sized bed. I’m sure that’s more comfortable than a mattress on the floor in between a bunch of boxes.”

He was rambling so fast that the words were out before I had a chance to turn around completely. When I did, I saw a faint blush on his cheeks. I was just in time to catch a glimpse of his eyes before they dropped to his lap. And I finally managed to recognize the emotion that had been swarming in his eyes the past few hours. Hope.

I didn’t even consider pointing out that my parents’ house had two guest rooms I could sleep in. This moment was too important, I wasn’t taking any chances on ruining it now. I simply smiled, the brightest, happiest smile I had shown anybody in a long time. “I would love to,” I admitted in a whisper. I could feel the color of my cheeks was matching Jared’s.

Jared’s eyes shot up in a flash. His surprise was obvious in his eyes. However, it didn’t last very long. Soon enough he was flashing me a smile that mirrored my own. As often the case between us, we didn’t need any more words. Jared simply leaned towards me. Before my brain could register what happened, I was meeting him halfway. And I didn’t just get the kiss I had dreamed about, had wished for. I got a promise, a vow of forever and always.

 **Aftermath**  
“Hey, what’s this?”

I turned around to see Peyton stand on the other side of the attic. She was waving a small pink paper at me. My head furrowed in confusion. “Where did you get that?” I asked as I walked over to her, one hand at my lower back to support my bump, to keep my balance while I zigzagged around all kind of forgotten treasures. Peyton pointed at a small wooden box in the farthest corner of the attic. Her eyes were full of curiosity when she handed me the paper.

I slowly unfolded the note and took a closer look. 'Things to do before I die' was written on top of the paper. I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. I had completely forgotten about this!

When I looked back at Peyton she was still staring at me expectantly. “It’s something I wrote when I was thirteen. I haven’t seen it in years, I didn’t even remember it,” I explained to her.

“But what does it say?” Peyton asked me. I smiled fondly at the impatient look on her small face. I couldn’t remember being so perky when I was four. Must be something she inherited from her father.

“Let’s sit down, then I can explain it to you,” I told her.

I took a seat in a old dusty arm chair and let Peyton climb into my lap. I waited for her to be settled in a comfortable position before I started talking. I explained what a bucket list is as good as I could to my four-year old daughter. Her face was full of attention as she tried to grasp what I was telling her. She slowly nodded her little head when I was done with my explanation. She was silent for a moment and I could see her thinking things through. Seconds later her eyes sparkled as she looked up at me. I waited in silence, wondering what she was up to this time.

“I want one too!” Peyton eventually exclaimed.

I couldn’t help chuckle. Not too long ago, Peyton had gotten to the age where she wanted what everyone else had. When I would wear a red scarf, she would insist on getting one too. When her dad was reading a book, she wanted to have the exact same one. Both her father and me were hoping she would grow out of this phase rather quickly. Every day she came home from kindergarten with a head full of new ideas and things she thought she needed. Lucky for us, she forgot them again just as fast.

Knowing she would forget about this one soon enough as well, I just nodded in agreement. “We’ll make one later, sweetie,” I told her. “Why don’t you go play a little more while mommy finishes cleaning the attic?”

She nodded enthusiastically before hopping of my lap and skipping of to a box that contained some of my old dolls. I smiled before following her example and getting up from the arm chair as well, though a little slower, more cautious.

Jared walked in as I watched Peyton rummage through the box. “She seems to have a good time,” he noted as he followed my gaze. I simply nodded in response as we both watched Peyton play for a moment.

“What do you have there?”

I tore my gaze away to see Jared stare at the pink paper in my hand. I let out a small giggle as I handed it to him.

A small smile was playing around Jared’s lips as he took the paper from me. His expression was a mixture of confusion and curiosity. His lips curled upwards when his eyes scanned the paper in his hand. I could swear I even heard a small giggle come from him.

When he looked at me, I could practically feel the love radiating from him. “I’m so glad I finally had the nerve to ask you out that night,” he whispered in my ear after taking a step in my direction.

“And I’m glad I accepted your invite,” I whispered back. I unconsciously leaned back into Jared’s chest while I spoke. Jared immediately reacted to my motion by pulling me even closer. Without saying anything, we watched Peyton play with my old dolls.

I couldn’t suppress a smile when I felt Jared’s arms sneak further around my waist and rest on my belly. He was slowly massaging my baby bump when the little nudger inside suddenly kicked against his hand. Jared’s hand stayed still on my bump as we looked at each other in surprise. I realized matching smiles were forming on our faces.

And suddenly, as we stared at each other without saying a word, I was getting lost in Jared’s eyes. I saw a girl in those brown orbs. I felt Jared press a kiss against my lips, but all I could do was look in his eyes, stare at the girl that I had found there. She looked utterly content, everything she wanted to be. I saw a girl that looked a lot like me, and eternity.


	9. Like A Swan Diving Of The Deep End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story about love. But not in the way most people think about love.

Summer was 6 when she watched The Swan Lake for the first time.

To others it was just some people dancing, but to her it was the most beautiful thing she had ever witnessed. She admired the grace the dancers possessed. They were eloquent without even using any words. The rest of the week she would spend hours in her room, trying to find that same elegance. And though she was young, she soon knew the entire theme by heart.

Only a few weeks later she had her first ballet class. There were 25 girls and it surprised her that she was the only one who knew who Tchaikovsky was. When she shared her surprise with the teacher, the woman smiled and told Summer she would understand later, when she was older. The teacher smiled at her, as if she saw something in Summer that the others didn’t. Already at such a young age, her talent and passion didn’t go unnoticed.

Summer was 12 when she realized she was the only one left from the 25 girls in her very first class.

When she mentioned it to her teacher, the very same one from her first class, the woman smiled again. She explained that the interests of the other girls had changed over the years. Instead of princesses they now wanted to be singers or actresses when they grew up. Boys had become fascinating, because it turned out they didn’t have cooties after all.

Summer listened to the older woman with confusion. Sure, she knew that interests could change. She herself had recently stopped listening to the Jonas Brothers and started enjoying the Counting Crows. But why had they all given up on their dream? The teacher smiled again and reminded Summer of the fact that later, when she was older, she would understand. The woman smiled at her, because the passion was still there after all those years.

Summer was 18 when she knew she had fallen in love.

At first, other people called her young and foolish. How could an 18 year old girl have any idea about real love? She didn’t bother defending herself. In her heart she felt she had fallen in love a long time ago. And when people met Alex, opinions were quickly changed. You couldn’t help but love him. He was polite, friendly, handsome, funny. He would be waiting after practice, ready to help her with her ice bath. He was in the front row at every one of her premieres, handing her a bouquet of lilies – her favorites – afterwards.

On her last evening as Clara in The Nutcracker, she met her – now former – ballet teacher again. The woman not only congratulated her on a beautiful performance, but acknowledged she seemed very much in love. Slightly confused, but not really surprised that she could still read her so easily after all those years, Summer introduced her old teacher to Alex. The woman smiled when she noticed Summer’s confusion and reminded her yet again that later, when she was older, she would understand.

Summer is 21 now and waiting for the curtains to open, waiting for the show to start.

When the lilies arrive, everybody tells her how lucky she is to have him. How he is such a gentleman. She smiles and nods politely. I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t be second choice anymore. I’m done waiting. But I will be watching forever. – Love always, Alex. She reads the words out loud and suddenly he is an insensitive jerk, an annoying prick. The reactions make her let out a soft laugh, because the words on the card don’t surprise her. She knew it would happen eventually. She was waiting for it since the start. She doesn’t even cry.

Ten minutes later she gracefully moves across the stage. She is living her dream. She is Odette. And she finally understands what her teacher meant all those years ago. Her heart belongs here, on the stage. Alex is sitting in the front row, smiling. And she knows that he might be the one person who truly understands her. The one person who knows he didn’t break her heart, because it was never his to begin with. She loves Alex, but she was never in love with him.

Summer has fallen in love long ago. Ballet was her first love, and it will be her last.


End file.
